Emotional Hygiene in Communication

Most people have experienced times when attempts to resolve a disagreement only seems to make the problem worse. During these times, it seems that no matter what is said, how much the partners try to explain themselves to each other, or ask the other partner why they are so upset, it just feels like adding gasoline to the flames. Partners may feel overwhelmed, frustrated, agitated, and stuck. If this continues long enough, partners say things to each other that may feel real in the moment, but later regret, and eventually just shut down and go their separate ways. Instead of experiencing resolution, the partners are often left feeling helpless, exhausted, alone, and sad.

 

As a couple therapist, I have seen this in my office a hundred times. Couples who love and care about each other suddenly find themselves embroiled in a conflict that escalates out of control despite their best efforts. It is tragic to watch because in their attempt to bond with each other and resolve an issue, they employ a series of communication strategies that does just the opposite. It pushes the other person away. If this pattern happens enough, each partner will begin to develop a layer of ‘emotional scar tissue’ that makes full reconciliation even more difficult to achieve.

 

Several years ago, I developed a set of ‘rules of engagement’ for couples when they engage in an emotional conversation that I call “Emotional Hygiene in Communication”, or simply “Emotional Hygiene”. This set of guidelines helps couples navigate through difficult conversations without escalation and allows each partner to remain engaged. The basic premise is that when couples feel as though their partner is emotionally engaged and fully present with them during difficult conversations, each partner tends to feel heard and held in safe space. When this happens, couples can negotiate meaningful and satisfying solutions to their disagreements. On the other hand, when couples feel as though their partner is not engaged and fully present with them during difficult conversations, their distress levels can escalate very quickly, conflict tends to become heated, and finding meaningful and satisfying resolution can become almost impossible. So, the intent of emotional hygiene in communication is to find ways of interacting with each other during times of distress that allow partners to remain actively engaged with each other.

 

EMOTIONAL HYGIENE RULE #1:  EXPLORE, RATHER THAN EXPLAIN

When you ‘explore’, you are engaging your partner in an effort to better understand what they are experiencing. So, if your partner says, “I am very upset”, you can engage them by asking questions such as: “What is going on?” or “What is making you upset?” With questions like these, your partner feels as though you are interested in their experience, and you are fully present.

 

When you ‘explain’, you are disconnecting from your partners experience and getting into a contest to see whose perspective is the ‘correct one’. This is a very easy trap to fall into. If your partner says, “I am very upset”, and you respond with statements like “well, all I was saying was…”, or “why did you get upset?”, you are emotionally disconnecting with your partner and putting them on the defensive. This usually leads to an escalation in conflict until one or both partners simply shut down when it becomes clear that the conversation is not going in a positive direction.

 

So, the key to this rule of emotional hygiene is to put your attention into the heart of your partner in an effort to understand what they are experiencing without judgment, and simply allowing them to have their experience.

 

 

EMOTIONAL HYGIENE RULE #2:  NEVER SPEAK FOR YOUR PARTNER’S EMOTIONS

When your partner is upset, there is a tendency to name the emotion for them. So, if your partner looks upset, there is a tendency to say something like “Wow. Aren’t you in a bad mood?” or during a disagreement say something like “why are you so angry?” Most of us have made comments like this and have seen what happens. Does it make the other person feel better or worse?  Almost invariably, when you make a statement about what our partner is feeling, it escalates the situation.

 

The rule here is to observe and explore. Asking “are you in a bad mood right now?” feels very different than “why are you in such a bad mood?” Saying “you look very upset right now, are you angry?” feels very different than asking “why are you angry?”  Again, this is all about remaining engaged. When you observe that your partner appears upset and want to understand what they are feeling, you are engaging them. When you name the emotion for them, your partner doesn’t feel engaged. They tend to feel judged.

 

EMOTIONAL HYGIENE RULE #3:  IT IS ALWAYS SAFE TO COMMUNICATE STATE

This communication technique is all about sharing with your partner what you are experiencing in the moment. In other words, if you were to stick an emotional thermometer into your gut right now, what would it read?  Would it read “stressed”? “sad”? “angry”? “hurt”? “lonely”?

 

Communicating your emotional state in a completely non-judgmental and non-accusatory way as though you were reporting the temperature of the room can be very helpful in communicating to your partner that you are present and engaged. The non-judgmental and non-accusatory part is very important. If your partner is telling you about something you did to make them upset, responding with a statement like “I feel very bad about hurting you” or “I didn’t realize how much you were affected by what I did” can be very helpful in communicating to them that you are fully engaged and present.  The same is true if your partner tells you about difficulties they are having at work. If you just state what your emotional thermometer is reading, you may say something like “Wow. I can feel myself get tense just hearing about what you are going through.”

 

What you want to avoid is making statements that assign judgment or blame for what you are feeling. So, unhelpful responses would be things like “I hate hearing about your work because you always make me feel so stressed out”, or “Oh yeah, way to make me feel bad about myself”. Statements like these are not helpful in keeping both partners engaged with each other.

 

 

EMOTIONAL HYGIENE RULE #4:  DON’T TRY TO MANAGE THE EMOTIONS OF THE OTHER

There is a tendency in couples to ‘not say things’ that may upset the other partner, or to qualify what you say in order to not upset the other person. When you do that, you are essentially doing the emotional work for the other person—usually at your own emotional expense. An extreme example of this is a family who needs to be very careful around an alcoholic father as to not make him fly off on a rage, or to pretend that everything is fine around a mentally ill mother who can sink into depression over the slightest thing. In less extreme examples, you may decide not to communicate about your own struggles and need for support from your partner because they may become defensive and shut down, or your attempt to reach out to them may result in conflict.

 

In either case, trying to manage the emotional life of another person by suppressing your own needs or distress does quite a bit of damage to a relationship over time. There is commonly a loss of a sense that your partner is a safe, nurturing, and supportive person for you, as well as a loss of trust. Sharing your emotional experience and needs with your partner is a critical element of a healthy emotional bond. Both partners need to take accountability for their own reactions.

 

 

EMOTIONAL HYGIENE RULE #5:  AGREE ON AN EMOTIONAL FIRE ESCAPE

During my initial sessions with clients, I have them choose a phrase that they can say to each other when emotions are starting to escalate and they want to put a pause on a conversation until things cool down a bit. These agreements have three parts:

 

  • The phrase is communicating your own personal emotional state, not your partners. Remember, we can’t speak for our partners emotional experience.
  • Asking for a temporary pause in the conversation, and both parties agreeing to honor that request.
  • Committing to resume the conversation within a reasonable time period—20 minutes, an hour, later in the day. It is best not to let the conversation go unresolved overnight if possible.

 

Typically, these are phrases like, “I am starting to feel myself escalating, and I need to take a break. Can we talk about this after dinner?”, or “I am losing my objectivity, and I would like to ask that we take a pause. Can we come back to this conversation in a little while?” Even something like “I am freaking out a bit right now and need to stop. Can we talk later?” is okay as long as both partners have agreed on the language.

 

The time to create your fire escape plan is not when your house is on fire. It needs to be done in a collaborative way during a period of calm so that everyone knows what to do when and emergency arises and panic sets in. It’s the same way here. You need an ‘emotional fire escape’ plan when emotions start escalating. Having a phrase that each partner can agree to honor as a way to pause the situation can be extremely helpful in avoiding unnecessary distress and harm.

 

 

IMPLEMENTING EMOTIONAL HYGIENE TECHNIQUES

For most couples, implementing these tools into their communication style feels weird at first. It may feel forced, silly, insincere, or just not right. That is completely normal. Just remember that you are changing a fundamental pattern in the way that you and your partner communicate. It will not feel natural at first. But with enough intentional practice, it can become the normal way you interact with each other. Using these rules of emotional hygiene, you will find it much easier to avoid escalation during conflict and to find meaningful and satisfactory solutions when navigating through difficult conversations. The key to all of this is to find ways to stay engaged and feel safe.